Purple Electricity Lightning



hello! my name is violet. i was formerly known as vulcan rebel, but i am now electropsyoptica. the reason for this change is because when i joined the TCC on January 15, 2019, i fell down a toxic rabbit hole. my depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts spiralled out of control. over time, i wanted nothing more than to die. death was all i thought about all day everyday. i was obsessed and delusional. i began carefully and meticulously curating everything i did in preparation of my suicide. i was obsessed with killing myself, and i was damn good at hiding it. i successfuly acquired a shotgun and ammo without causing a stir, and everything was working out in my favor. i set a date to do it, April 10, 2022, but that night i had the worst panic attack i'd ever had in my life, thus prompting one of my very few real life friends to come to my apartment to rescue me. it was one of the worst nights of my life.

the next day was surprisingly positive, we went to go workout, had good food, and i felt great. but the toxic thoughts returned to me by midday. i was so angry at myself because i didnt even try. so, i decided when i went to sleep that night that if i woke up before my 5am work alarm, i would start executing the plan i had so meticulously thought out for a year and a half. i had to. i woke up at 3:30am and took my dog for a final walk around the neighborhood. i put my final outfit on, uploaded my final journal pages and video diaries, packed up my shotgun and ammo and off i went. i drove to some woods about an hour away from my apartment. i was so thirsty but i didn't bring any water because it didn't matter. i parked my car and walked about a mile and a half on and off trails until i was certain no one could find me. it started raining but it didn't matter. i was ready and set. nothing could stop me now.

i got there at 8:20am, and sat against a tree for 2 entire hours just thinking, deciding, and stalling. i kept thinking what all the people at my work were doing. i kept thinking what my dog was doing. i kept thinking how my life wasn't actually so bad after all, and maybe i just needed a change in mindset. i stared at the sky for a really long time, thinking about how my blood and brains were about to splatter all over the tree behind me, and how everything i am was about to turn hard and cold. i just sat there with the loaded gun in my mouth for a really long time. i kept turning my phone back on to see if there were any last texts i had to see. just then, my mom texted me good morning with flower emojis. she knew i had been going through a lot lately. i knew then that i couldn't do it anymore.

i called my friend, the one that came to my rescue the other day, he saw that i was in the woods, and started screaming and begging me to leave. i began crying and shaking. i knew i was going to regret leaving, but i had to. i begged him not to call the cops on me since i have PTSD from when the cops were called on me 2 years ago for having suicidal thoughts, which got me sent to the psych ward. it was a nightmare there and i never want to go back. i had never heard him scream so loudly. it was terrifying. it was traumatizing. i told him i would accept whatever help would come my way from that point forward, and that i was going to stop this suicidal vulcan rebel bullshit. i found my way out of the forest and drove home.

i decided that day, April 12, 2022, that vulcan rebel died, but violet was born anew. since then, i have become committed to a healthier mindset. i have abandoned everything in my life connected to the TCC or vulcan rebel. i have become traumatized by the whole experience. i can't look at guns the same way anymore, and i gave all my guns to my friend. i can't even look at the woods the same anymore. i decided to make some huge lifestyle changes, because this was serious. this was life or death. and i am so happy that i am still able to cuddle my dog and eat ice cream and feel the springtime air and sunshine on my skin. i am eternally grateful that some strange force came over me that day and told me to pack up and leave because it wasn't my time yet. i am also extremely lucky that i didn't have to experience any physical damage from shooting the gun and quickly regretting it (if i did live) in order to realize how important my life is.

if you are struggling with something similar and you need someone to talk to, PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me through email (posted on my homepage). i'm here for you.

birthdate :2/25/1998
birthplace :PA, USA
zodiac placements :pisces sun, aquarius moon, cancer rising
occupation :laboratory analyst (i have a biology degree)
eye color :blue green
hair color :dirty blonde
height :5'8
weight :117lbs
temperament :laid back, quiet, melancholy, patient, nostalgic
number :1144
color :periwinkle, sage green, lilac, and rose
place :turtle island, fiji
animal :dolphin
drink :raspberry iced tea
food :sushi
scent :jasmine
flower : hibiscus
band :KMFDM, deftones, eisbrecher
album :around the fur - deftones
song :megalomaniac - KMFDM
movie :the blue lagoon
tumblr :bluehour444.tumblr.com
last.fm :last.fm/user/phantasmicsky
spotify :spotify.com/user/spaceangel
soundcloud :soundcloud.com/disembodiedlover
listography :listography.com/disembodiedlover

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