Purple Electricity Lightning


i had a really nice day today. i spent it with my literal one and only friend who happens to be my coworker. i've been growing a lot closer to him over the past few weeks ever since i told him that weekends are the hardest for me to deal with because i become so reclusive and just hide from the human race for 2 days. ever since then he's been asking how i am doing a lot more and asking to hang out to get me out of the house. i used to just flat out say no because i was too lazy and depressed to get dressed and think of something to do. but i just started saying yes and we've been spending a lot more time together lately. even if it's just for a few hours a day, the human interaction helps my mental health so much. it actually makes me glad that i didn't kill myself 2 months ago. because i would've missed out on all our fun little weekend adventures and after-work hangs. i also like just being focused on that one friend and not having to worry about trying to make friends with anyone else at the moment. people at work are being a little nicer to me too. i've been told countless times that i appear "mysterious" and "intimidating", but i still talk when people talk to me first, which has been happening a bit more lately, not really sure why though. my point is i am becoming more and more grateful each day that i didn't pull the trigger, because life is actually turning out brighter for me. i honestly can't pinpoint one thing that i can accredit my happiness to, it's a lot of different factors. but my family, my friend, my workplace/job, my guitar, my music, my dog, and just being free. i am free and i am healthy. i can do virtually anything i want to. and i am here because i want to be. i try not to focus on all the evil in the world or what i see on my phone or computer anymore because although it sometimes affects me indirectly, it does not affect me directly. i really try to focus only on what's in front of me and what i am doing. and that helps me to enjoy the life that i have. the depression still comes and goes like wildfire, but i am glad that i've put it out for a bit. i am happy that i didn't just give up and give in and burn away like i planned to. i am glad that i listened to my higher self and stayed here, even if it's just for a few more years. i know there is still something here for me. i just wanted relief so bad. the pain was excruciating. i wanted any kind of relief, and i found it by focusing on the small tiny little things that i enjoyed in this world. things as simple as the sun and the trees and water. looking at pictures i like on tumblr, filling my head with things i like instead of things i hate that hurt me. the simple pleasure i have that i can go anywhere and do anything. playing with my dog, enjoying a bowl of ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream, putting on makeup and taking photos. the tiniest most miniscule things. it's those things that make life worth it. i am so happy that i found a light at the end of the tunnel that seemed to go on forever. i honestly could just cry thinking about the fact that i've put myself through so much shit that i didn't deserve. it was all my fault, no one else's. i made my own hell, so i had to be the one to pull myself out of it. and by the grace of god i somehow managed to figure it out without therapy or medication that i was told by everyone i needed so badly. instead i bought a gun and said "here bitch, you wanna die so bad? fucking do it." and i couldn't. because it wasn't my time. so i turned around and started appreciating the little things that i still enjoyed. i am so proud of myself.


i bought a guitar today!!! it's a les paul muse white metallic and it's fucking gorgeous. i'm so fucking excited to learn my first song. music comes so naturally to me i was in the store testing it out but i don't know how to play anything so i was just strumming and i felt like a baby that wants to talk but doesn't know how to say any words yet. i'm so excited to learn guitar. i believe music is a huge part of my destiny, and my higher self realizes that and wants me to pursue it. it just feels so right. there are so many musicians in my family (mostly drummers). music is something that awakens my soul, and not many things do that for me. i have so many things i want to learn on it. FINALLY my musical side can awaken, i've been dying to play an instrument for years! now i can make proper covers and live out my dream of being a rockstar!! FUCK i'm so excited!!!! and so happy i found something that i love.


i started taking ashwagandha again in an attempt to help my brain not be in agonizing pain every day while i'm still here. i think it has been helping because today i actually felt good enough to wear nice business clothes to work instead of my usual--almost inappropriately casual--baggy jeans and big sweater. everyone said i looked really pretty. i know the people around me don't hate me. i guess i just feel rejected because i put a big wall around myself and then get mad when no one tries to tear it down to speak to me. and then beyond the wall, i'm stuck in the prison inside my head driving myself insane. but i also do feel chronically invisible. i just can't shake away the feeling that i know i'm going to take my own life someday. i know it doesn't have to be that way, but with everything that's happened over the past few years, i kind of want it to be that way. i genuinely don't want to keep living and running on the economic treadmill just to keep supporting myself in hell. i've done a LOT of spiritual research on suicide, and coming from a spiritual/philosophical outlook, i still believe that my life is justified to terminate because of how much pain and disbelonging i face every day. i have the power to end it at any moment's notice, so i'm trying to make myself aware that i'm here because i still want to be here (and also cause i'm a pussy who just couldn't pull the trigger that first time). i don't know though, i'm still just so tired of this life. so tired of the same routine. so tired of people and the system. just so....tired. my soul is exhausted and fragile and desperately needs the rest of time off. one thing is for sure, next time i try, i won't fail. i'm just waiting for the right time. mentally i'm really gone. like so fucking gone, there's no bringing me back. i am confident that when i get to the other side, i will finally experience all the love and comfort and joy that i've been missing for almost my entire earthly life. it will be wonderful.


this week has been a lot better than last week, thank god. it just feels like i'm fighting myself everyday...caught between the decision of life or death...it's actually driving me insane. i guess there comes a point where you've driven yourself so far off the edge with your own thoughts that you just become desperate to enjoy your existence. i'd say that's the point i'm at now. i'm actively trying NOT to kill myself. because everytime i seriously think about it, there is just something in the way, almost like a road block. i believe it is my higher self, who knows that i have something bigger and better to accomplish here than just throw everything away because life is painful sometimes. like literally everything is okay, i have a good job that i excel at and am respected at, i have one or two good friends that i can count on, i have a family that still loves me, i have my dog that loves me, i am financially stable, i am doing well! i'm literally just psyching myself out. BUT, i swear to god if one of those things gets knocked off/out of sync, i'm fucking offing myself. i am so fragile i'm barely hanging on by a thread. i'm trying anything i can to enjoy myself while i'm still here. cause things will get worse one day, and that's when i'll leave. it's just not my time yet. i am drowning in my own sorrow. i am doing it to myself. i am driving myself crazy. i think mentally i'm gone, and i've been gone for a while, but it just doesn't feel like my time to go, so i'm trying to step back and take a look at all the good in my life and enjoy it before it does feel like my time to go. it's just really miserable sometimes. but i do know of a few things that spark joy in my heart. music is a huge one. i'm planning to go to a music store with my one friend this weekend and get a bass and learn to play it so eventually i can start my own band! i fucking love music so much, it runs in my family on both sides. i love making covers and i really think music is something i could do and be very happy with (if i can manage to make any money from it). i don't feel like science is my final career path, although i still do really enjoy it. just feels like i belong doing something more. something unconventional. i want to touch the lives of others. i want to make them feel something. it's really crazy how you always come back to the things that made you happiest when you were young. i've always have an obsession with music in some way. i played my parent's CDs for hours, i made dance groups with the local neighborhood girls, i spent hours on youtube watching music videos, i played several instruments. art and music are two things that always made me the happiest, and i'm trying to get back to that.


currently having another horrible depressive episode. everything seems dark and grim. my life seems like it's never going to get better. i desperately need help but i don't know where to get it without having my bank account robbed. i'm stuck. i don't feel good in any way and i don't know which way to turn. it seems like no one can offer me any advice or help. it seems like the answer to all of this is actually to just put myself out of my own misery. i'm screaming and crying for help here. i'm desperate for anything. my mind is so loud. i'm begging for a change. this is quite possibly the most miserable way anyone could suffer. everything is so dark. i am so depressed. i need help. i really really really need help. i'm on the brink of the end again. i already feel like i'm dead. i'm not even fucking playing or trying to be dramatic or edgy anymore this is real fucking shit. this is my life. this is life or death. and i'm fucking dying.


so this is what it feels like to be alive huh? feels pretty damn good. seeing Deftones with Gojira last night was quite possibly the best night of my life, and the best thing i've ever done for myself. not only did i attend the concert, i got fucking front row and during Bloody Cape, Chino came over to my side of the stage and sang right in my face and i was filming him so i gave him a half heart gesture with my hand and he fucking completed the other half!!!!! AND, at the end of the show, Stephen was throwing guitar picks into the crowd and he fucking threw one right at me!!!! i'm so lucky that i caught it because my hand eye coordination isn't the best. i almost caught the drumsticks from both Gojira and Deftones too, but the people directly next to me caught them. but that's okay. i would've felt bad for the other people around me if i got THAT lucky. i'm so fucking happy. finally seeing THE Chino Moreno of THE Deftones was heart-stopping. i was in awe the entire time. i couldn't stop smiling, laughing, screaming, singing, crying, and head banging. i'm actually glad i forgot my earplugs because i absorbed every little bit of sound that Deftones and Gojira were throwing at me. i sucked it all up like a sponge. god i'm so fucking happy. my shit was thoroughly rocked. and then after the show i got a burger and some loaded cheese fries and got 3 hours of sleep before waking up to go to work. it was fucking awesome. i'm still on cloud nine. knowing that Chino's seen my face and interacted with me literally makes my life. i couldn't be happier honestly. everything turned out in my favor, i almost showed up late to the show and yet i still got front row. what a fucking experience. what a fucking band. i'm so in love with Deftones.


you know when you enter a room of people who are all socializing and seem to all know each other but for some reason you're there too and all you want to do is step out and run away because you're not supposed to be there? that's how i feel everyday of my life. i can't wait for the sweet blissful release of my ending. one day i will finally be released into the space time continuum and finally be free. i just feel very uncomfortable here, i always have. sometimes i feel like a higher being that is ready to move onto the next thing...the next spiritual experience. it just doesn't make sense that i seemingly have everything i want and yet i'm still just not happy. my mom even told me that she feels bad that she brought me into this world only for me to be so miserable. hearing that statement was like a kick to the throat. i'm trying to learn that my struggles are valid even though the rest of my life--the life i built for myself--could be seen as a dream for most. take mr. Kurt Cobain for example. he had everything or so it seemed--a beautiful wife, a gorgeous child, a great career. but he couldn't get out of his head. i feel like i'm in the same situation. virtually everything in my life is perfect from the outside, but that doesn't invalidate my pain. anyone would kill to have my life, and i'm sure anyone would've killed to have Kurt's life, except Kurt. that poor poor soul. people today still talk about how he should have gotten help. but he did, and nothing worked. same with me. i've tried therapy, i've tried meds, i even had a fucking spiritual awakening that saved me for a while. but i can't deny my fate. some people are just otherworldly angels from different realms who stumble upon this toxic degrading earth and can't take the toxicity. i seem to be one of them. i empathize with Kurt so hard, almost like he is my twin flame. our pains and life structure are identical. i feel so much for him. he was just an astounding soul, so inspirational, so pisces, he holds such a special place in my heart. everything he says i feel like i said it. everything he's done i feel like i should do. he was too good for us. and sometimes i feel like i'm too good for this world. just one little push of the finger and it's all over. i refuse to fail again. i'm going to try again one day. one day it'll happen. one day. one day. i can't stay just for the sake of staying. i can't let my existence slip away from me like that. i just can't.

"it's better to burn out than to fade away."


so bizarre when motherfuckers shoot up a place and don't kill themselves afterward and their life turns completely upside down in the timeframe of just a few hours. that fucking troglodyte from NY is going to rot in a tiny jail cell for the rest of his life meanwhile i'm still in my apartment chillin, same thing i was doing at 2:30pm yesterday when this shit happened. it's surreal. like i think i was actually getting ready to take a nap at that time. people are so goddamn stupid. what the hell is the point of killing innocent people? he's not even going to achieve any fame or notoriety because this society hates shooters. it's like a fucking outdated thing to do now, in my opinion. like oh fuck here's another copycat bitch trying to make a point but instead he ruined his whole fucking existence from his own stupidity. can you fucking imagine that? can you imagine being that stupid? hate when motherfuckers ruin their life for the possibility of one moment of "fame". even stupider that no one saw his warning signs on reddit and discord and called him out on it. what a sad pathetic motherfucker. makes me scared to go out as i also went grocery shopping yesterday. you really never know where they're going to hit next. fucking sad world we live in.


as much as i think about death, i think of my birth a lot too. because apparently my due date was around february 18 which is the very end of aquarius season. i'm an aquarius moon but i don't feel like i identify with very many aquarius qualities, at least not with my core self. i am VERY MUCH a pisces, but there is a part of me that is an aquarius. a lot of people i have admired throughout my life were aquarians too. it's weird, i remember as a child i had a lisa frank folder of all the zodiac signs which was my first introduction to my love of astrology, and i was immediately drawn to aquarius. i think that was my aquarius moon, because my core self is extremely pisces. i also resonate a lot more with march's birthstone, aquamarine, than february's birthstone, amethyst (amethyst feels more aquarius to me and aquamarine feels very pisces). so what were the circumstances that occurred that caused me to be born during pisces season? why did i wait a week to be born as a pisces sun instead of an aquarius sun? why were the planetary placements aligned so i was given an aquarius moon anyway? if i would have been born on my assigned due date, would i act like a totally different person? why did i even come here at all? so weird to think all these things happened before i was even conscious. like i was unconsciously making these decisions and fates about my own life. i knew who i was supposed to be, and as i grow older i realize why all these things happened the way they did, and why i like the things i like, and why i am the way i am. i feel very much in tune with both my sun and moon signs, and to me it makes sense for my time to be february/march. it was written in the stars all along. it's so interesting to think about. it makes me feel very enlightened actually; to remove myself from my daily grind and just think about how and why i'm here. it used to really feed into my depression, but when i went through my awakening, strangely those are the things that make me feel most comfortable now. i love to think of all the weird circumstances that brought me here and led me to right now. but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable to think of all the things i don't know. i was just thinking about this this morning, the fact that every single car i pass has people who live lives as complex as my own. everyone has their own life story and their own secrets, and most of us will never know each other's. it's mind boggling. as much as it would be kinda cool to know the life story of every single person in this world, i'm glad i don't, because that's insane. what being in this world could handle knowing all that? i'm glad i only know what i'm supposed to know and that's it. knowing too much can be harmful (ignorance is bliss). on another note, i am reaching such high levels of thought lately. it's actually fucking insane how in just one day i went from banging my head against rock bottom repeatedly, only dwelling on the thought of killing myself and being so set on it, to just a few hours later being completely reborn and reaching extremely spiritual levels of thought. i do feel like i was reincarnated back into my own life that day. i was supposed to die, but only mentally. vulcan rebel did indeed die on her intended death date. but i was lucky and instead of being reincarnated into a different body and starting all over again, i was privileged enough to be reincarnated into the same body and continue living the same life. it was just that tiny shred of happiness i had within me that saved me from leaving this life for good. that tiny sliver of hope and joy for little things like the sun and the moon and the ocean that kept me here and allowed me to continue my life. i was given a second chance. i don't feel like vulcan rebel anymore. i feel like how i did prior to my extreme downfall, but a lot more spiritual and with knowledge of a lot more. i still do think of suicide, but in a different way now. all the friends i made in the TCC who are still in the pits of their depression, i look to them with pity in the most empathetic way. i just truly hope they can find some way to pull themselves out of it like i somehow managed to, even a little bit. because the TCC is a toxic community. when i first joined, i remember being really scared because i began to form strange attractions to those fucktards like all the other girls were, even though i told myself i wasn't going to. i became exactly what i swore to myself i wouldn't become. it stole so much from me. but i did find comfort knowing there were tons of other people feeling the exact same way i was feeling. i didn't want to feel like that anymore, so i made plans to end my own life. except i did not become the new flesh, i became the new mind. death will come eventually anyway. so some day i will get my wish. just not now.


i'm like kinda fucking sad today. i don't know where i stand in anyone's life. i don't know what it means to be a friend to someone and i don't know how to tell when someone wants to be friends with me. i either expect everything or nothing at all from people. it's always so black and white with me. i feel like a really shitty person who fucks over everyone around me, but people put me in uncomfortable situations sometimes so i think it's okay for me to say no, right? or maybe i actually am a fucking awful person. i just wish i learned social skills. i wish i grew up like a normal kid and had proper social development and my mom didn't raise me to bascially serve her every need and constantly change the rules up on me. i didn't even realize until recently that i had childhood trauma. i just feel really empty. yesterday was a great day though, i went grocery shopping by myself after work which was different cause usually at the end of my work days i'm so exhausted and my body hurts so much, but yesterday for some reason i was really happy and had a good day and had enough energy to go get myself the groceries that i desperately needed. today was supposed to be a good day too. i was supposed to go to the garden with my friend, but that didn't happen because it ended up being really rainy and cold. and i just wanted to nap all day. and he still makes me uncomfortable sometimes so i didn't want to hang out with him in my apartment alone. and now he's upset with me cause we both took half days to hang out and i bailed yet again. is it even justifiable for me to feel bad or am i just a fucking shitty person all around? i really don't know how to feel.


feeling a lot better. i was able to get through work today. part of the reason why i was able to push through was because i was terrified that if i left again they were going to fire me and/or fucking hate me. i wish i didn't think like that automatically. i know that i'm a really valued worker at my job and they probably need me more than i need them at the end of the day. yeah, aside from the terrible brain fog i had today, i think i did pretty good. i also haven't seen miss depression since friday night last week so thats INCREDIBLE NEWS!!! she used to pester me every fucking minute of every day. i'm so glad i'm clearly improving. my mindset is improving and i didn't need the help of anyone else but myself, that's the best part. i hate getting help from people. i don't know if it's a pisces thing or what, but i absolutely fucking hate asking for help or reaching out to others. i don't know why i think i can do everything by myself, cause i fucking can't. i just happened to get lucky here and the change was within me, but everything can't be like that. i still have a lot of work to do on myself, but i'm making good progress so far and i'm proud of that. now i think i'm gonna go have some chick fil a, and get ready for the chats concert tomorrow!


i am kind of having a rough time lately! i feel like i'm falling off my grind. i can't help but think my work is mad at me for taking off those 5 days when i tried to die, but i know i had to. this past wednesday i got really really sick and ever since i got my covid vaccines, every time i've gotten sick has been HELL!!! so i stayed home thursday, friday, and this weekend. i'm literally bedridden but today i'm starting to feel a little better. thursday was the worst. i was in agonizing physical pain, so much so that i was crying and screaming and vomitting. i've never had reactions to sicknesses like this before. all my muscles felt like bugs were crawling through them, i could not get comfortable no matter what position i was in, and i borderline overdosed on acetaminophen cause the pain was that bad. for once in my life i was craving morphine or some shit like that. it was that fucking bad. i'm still super weak, but i had to start eating cause i literally hadn't eaten in 3 days. also on top of that, my fucking allergies are DRIVING ME NUTS!!!!! i get super super bad allergies in the spring and the fall, and this year was no exception. i had to forgo my allergy medication for my pain meds because i didn't want to mix them and vomit even more! (i've experienced drug interactions before, it is not fun!!) and it really sucks cause it's so beautiful and sunny outside and i REALLY want to open my windows and breathe some fresh air but i fucking cant cause my god damn nose is so sensitive to those little pollen fuckers!!!!! next time i go to the doctor i'm getting prescription allergy meds. i had to wear 2 masks when taking my dog out to use the restroom just so i wouldn't have a sneeze attack. i really just want to go outside but my body is still hurting. and i'm worried my work will be upset i missed thursday and friday AND next week i requested half days on wednesday and friday cause i'm going to see the chats on wednesday and then friday i'm going to this local garden with my friend. i just hope i heal in time. my god. i'm a broken mess. and on top of all these physical issues i've been having lately, last night my stupid ass depression decided to hit my right in the throat. i was so upset that this was my life, i felt like a failure cause no one ever texts me or cares about me. i was begging god for death. i was begging for my heart to stop. but it didn't, and i'm still here, so whatever. life is hard lately man!!


i am having a surprisingly good time since becoming reborn. i've been doing yoga every morning and talking nicer to myself and it's also been really nice to open tumblr and see nice things that actually uplift my spirit like pictures of space and nature instead of guns and blood like on my old tumblr. not that i don't still like that stuff, cause i do, but i've actively detatched myself from that aesthetic because it was hurting me. days are getting a little easier. i'm learning to use my time better. i'm getting better at running errands by myself. and i'm also trying to be less awkward talking to people and be more approachable. previously, that was one of my biggest battles. i was always worrying what other people were thinking of me and always thinking that it was the worst possible thing. now, i just immediately assume that everyone likes me and somehow people just talk to me a little easier. i just can't believe all these changes were inside of me all along. i was so stubborn. i literally would not have been able to make any of these changes had i not attempted suicide. that's what flipped the switch for me, and everything clicked, and now i'm a totally different person. the yoga is really helping my body to feel better. i can actually sit straight all day long without my back hurting anymore! i can honestly genuinely say i don't think of suicide 24/7 anymore. and when some random tcc thing pops into my head, i immediately dismiss it. it's so easy. it was so easy all along. but i just had to go through that big scare. i'm so glad i didn't go to therapy or get on medication. i am more of a healer to myself than anyone or anything can ever be for me. i'm so happy. i feel like i figured out life. i'm so thankful that everything played out the way it did. i consider vulcan rebel to be my demonic alter ego. she was born when my depression started in high school, but when i found out about columbine, she spawned out of control and there was literally no way to stop her unless she killed herself. so i began planning, as one does. when i arrived to the woods on my final day, i felt shitty as ever. the depression was alive and strong and vulcan rebel was thriving. i genuinely thought that there was no saving me, and i didn't want to be saved. i wanted to die so bad. but what i didn't realize was that i just wanted vulcan rebel to die. all of her unhealthy obsessions were literally eating me alive. it was pure torture. i have no regrets planning and almost completely executing my suicide. i actually think it was one of the best things i've ever done for myself because it detached me from my demonic alter ego. i remember how i was feeling on the walk up and as i settled down against that tree. it was cloudy, rainy, cold, and gloomy. i was so ready to go. it wasn't until i actually put the gun in my mouth and had my finger on the trigger that i really started thinking about my brains splattering and my face being ripped apart to rot in the woods. i realized i didn't want it anymore. i called my friend, and that's when i really snapped back to reality. the trauma literally set me straight. that, in combination with the fear of the cops or anyone else coming and finding me and throwing me in a psych ward for god knows how long. it was like years and years' worth of therapy was blasted through my brain in about 15 minutes while he was yelling at me to get out of the woods. all that shaking and crying must have been vulcan rebel leaving my body. and when i finally got up to leave, vulcan rebel stayed at that tree and killed herself on that day. i remember how i felt leaving the woods. it was sunny and warm and the weather became beautiful, literally the exact opposite from when i first came in just a couple hours prior. in some miracle of events, i became a totally different person in a totally different world. completely brand new, completely reborn, and all the agony and despair i felt just a few hours ago was obliterated from my soul. it all died with vulcan rebel. and i was free. free at last. and man it felt so fucking good. feeling the sunshine on my skin later that day almost made me cry. all the things i could feel, see, taste, touch, smell, i was literally a reborn human being. i became so thankful for everything i'd been given in this life, which was finally beginning to make sense. all of it was making sense. i understood everything and why i did everything. all the anger and sadness and confusion and inner turmoil i felt for 9 years didn't matter anymore. life finally felt good. and it still feels good. i immediately began working on my new self. i spent the rest of the week after my spiritual awakening further detatching myself from everything that was vulcan rebel's. all her music, her website, her clothes, jewelry, everything. i had to completely redo everything. i could no longer listen to any music that had any correlation to columbine or the tcc unless i found it myself in the first place. all the music i found from the tcc was exterminated from my memory and i never plan to listen to any of it again. i made all new playlists to listen to. i am working on redefining my style. it's not even that hard either because this was the core me all along, so now i'm just being even more true to myself. i was never fake, i was just experiencing a diversion in personality. but now i'm just me, and i can live happy knowing i'm meant to be here.


hello and happy easter :) in my mind i thought i was going to be dead for a week by this day. but i'm not, i'm still here. and i'm honestly really glad i'm still here because the weather is getting nicer and nicer everyday and it's making me even happier. the springtime breeze and sunshine always lifts my mood. i can't wait for this summer. now i get to do all the things i previously told myself i wouldn't be alive for, like seeing deftones in concert next month, listening to the new rammstein album, seeing KMFDM and king gizzard in concert in october, going to the beach every weekend, going to ulta to buy some rem beauty (it's in stores today!!!) and just generally taking care of myself and my life and discovering new things everyday. i really don't know why i went through such a drastic mental transformation so fast, but i'm so glad i did, because without attempting to kill myself, i know i'd still be in the same sick mind that i was living with a week ago. i'm so glad no one had to get involved either. i would've despised if cops or anyone else would've found me in the woods with my shotgun. i'm still scarred from my psych ward days. whenever i feel a little ungrateful, i think back to when i was locked inside a hospital room with barely any view of the outside world, and it was late may early june, so you KNOW i was DYING to go outside and feel that sunshine on my face. i behaved really well in there, as i always do, and got out within 4 days, but man, those 4 days were hell. i mean i'm grateful that they happened because it made me realize how nice it is to have the freedom to do all the things you take for granted everyday like being able to jump in your car and drive wherever you want, or being able to eat whatever you want. i hated being in a controlled environment. i could've never lasted a whole week in there. i can't believe some people get put in there for months. i would absolutely not be able to handle that. but good thing i don't have to, because i'm not that person anymore. and i'm so fucking glad.

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