"You are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain."
-E.A.
I'm so out of touch with reality that I honestly can't imagine a human being that actually gets any sense of joy from this world. I question whether there is a single human being alive who is not falling apart on the inside. How is anyone okay with this? Doesn't this system drive anyone else insane?? Is anyone else paranoid by everything??? My mind is completely elsewhere. I am nothing but a hollow shell. I do not exist here. Not now, not anymore, at least. I no longer understand a single aspect of the feeling of happiness. Only misery and destiny.
I used to have a different destiny. Just 5 years ago, I was getting ready to marry the love of my life. I was on track to live a normal, happy life, move to the beach, and start a family. Although I have always had mental illnesses and been shy and quiet, him and his family loved me so much and were determined to help pull me out of it. I know this because while I was with him, they had already started trying to help me. I know if I went through with that destiny, I would have been just another normal girl living a normal life. I could literally see it. I could see the life I would've had with him: me at my job--the same one I'm working now, but instead of coming home to an empty, quiet apartment with my dog, I would've came home to a husband and lots of love. I had dreams of this. I knew it was going to happen, but I guess something had different plans for me. When this all started in 2019, it was so strong that I could not ignore it. It was much stronger than the previous destiny I saw myself in. I decided to follow it. The relationship had ended and I was getting sicker. Soon enough I realized that my destiny had changed. I was not made to be just another normal girl living a normal life with her normal husband--oh no, I was meant to be something different. To document my downfall with so much detail that it could in fact be studied down to the minute if someone really wanted to. And that's the destiny I see myself in now. I know it's true. It's stronger than anything I've ever felt before in my life. So potent, so intense, I know it's real. Sometimes I miss my old destiny, because although it involved happiness, it also required me to blend in with everyone else in the world, and I was not made to do that. This destiny is so much more rewarding, albeit exhausting and painful.
"The fortune favors bravery."
Every day I grieve myself, my life, and all that could have been. My mind is wired completely backwards, I am the epitome of a nonconformist, and I have become accustomed to thinking of everything in the opposite way as the majority. Therefore, I am 100% pro ending your life. I've sat with this notion for many many years, and I am finally comfortable enough with it to announce it. I think it is admirable for someone to end their life. To take back what's theirs. To end their own suffering so the world doesn't have to do it for them. It takes such strength—a strength that the vast majority of people do not have. All they may have is the desire, but not the courage to actually execute it. That's the difference between us and you. When I hear that someone passed away, for any reason, I think "good for them". It's not a tragic loss of life, but rather a soul that has managed to escape this awful, hideous world. Everything in this world is soiled. There are no good things, no good people, nothing heavenly here like there used to be. We're all just existing until our time is up. We're all suffering. We all just want to die a little bit. This world is hell and by choosing to conform and stay here when you've got a desire to go home, you're only screwing yourself over. You're choosing suffering for yourself rather than happiness. Death is happiness. It is the ultimate freedom. Whatever happens next has got to be a million times better than this shit. That's why I'm no longer afraid. When you've wrestled with these feelings for over a decade, you get sick and tired of having hope. You know the days are never going to get better. You know life never actually gets better, you just learn to live with the constant twang of pain. And when there's nothing else to live for anyway, it makes existence here a prison.
Have you ever wondered why they try to make suicide so taboo? Why people's immediate first reaction when you say you're thinking of ending your life is to tell you "no don't do it, life is worth it, there are people you can talk to, get on medication, etc". It's not because they care about you. The real reason is so that they can keep more slaves in the system. That's right, from day one, you are logged into the system like a player against your will, and forced to make your way through this god awful world where merely existing is so expensive, it's borderline unaffordable. The system has tried to prevent suicide due to sheer obligation with campaigns and shitty half-assed attempts at "saving lives" with broken therapy that doesn't work and laced medications that don't do anything except further screw with your head. It's all just their attempt to keep more slaves in the system. Or if you're religious in any sense, they'll try to guilt you by telling you that you'll go to hell and never be forgiven, when they don't realize we already live in hell.
In the infinite growth model, a human generates GDP by their mere act of existing. We all need food, water, shelter, clothing, medical care, and of course personal wants. All of these require consumption, and consumption generates GDP by moving funny money around the economy. This ruinous system is why most of the world is in terminal decline, and the efforts of the government to keep their house of cards aloft is the only motivation they have to keep us here. Removing the right to die is removing a human's basic rights. We all should have the right to do whatever we want, including to die. This world is nothing short of hellish, and each person is a selfish demon in their own way. Remember this next time you are feeling suicidal, because it's your basic human instincts and fight or flight urges coming alive. Don't ignore them. Don't conform. Don't listen to the demons around you. They only want you here for their own personal gain, nothing more.
For some people, it takes their entire lifetime to discover who they truly are. Part of this is due to the fact that the majority of the population mindlessly follow the crowd, which deters individuality and prevents you from finding a sense of self. I feel like at this point in my life, I have reached my final form. I have spent many years in isolation and have had a lot of time to think and ponder, both about myself and the universe. I feel like I understand myself more right now than I ever have in my life. I can now explain my behavior and actions. I know how to be nice to myself and how to punish myself. I have reached the point of exactly who I am meant to be and who I am to the core. There is no more growing within myself, I have finished growing. I have fully bloomed. I understand everything, and I have learned how to live with myself. Now I just have to figure out how to properly incorporate or remove myself from this wretched world that is clearly not made to accompany someone of my philosophical caliber. My life's work has evolved into finding a way that I can project myself for others to accurately understand me, because it is my greatest fear to be misunderstood.
I think it is extremely fascinating how one day we just suddenly gain consciousness and become self-aware. When our soul finally spawns in; when we start acting like a person and we are not on autopilot anymore. It can happen at any point in life. Some people wake up at a very young age, while others stay on autopilot their whole lives. Personally, I spawned in sometime around the second half of 2012. That's when I started having my own thoughts and opinions and writing them down. But I started evolving into who I am now beginning in early 2019. I've had this state of mind and this sense of awareness ever since then. I genuinely believe that the reason why some people are able to make it through a full 90+ year life is because they have never gone off autopilot. This is also known as being an NPC. Because with the state of the world and all its horrors, there is no way someone who is awake and aware of all the world's turmoil can just ignore it for almost 100 years. That is insanity. A lot of people are not fully in realization of reality. I think depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and even psychosis are some of the ways how we diagnose those who see reality for what it is. And those without mental issues are still on in an autopilot/NPC state. I mean think about it, when you talk to someone with no mental issues, they usually have very little if any unique or interesting characteristics. There is usually nothing very interesting about them at all—they are just a normal, boring person. It's because reality has conditioned them to act this way, and they are free to wake up whenever they choose. It's quite literally like the matrix. But due to drastic population increase, not every body that's been created gets a soul. Some people never get their consciousness and stay NPC's for their entire life. It seems the majority of the population is like this. Very few people become real souls that develop a real consciousness and can actually see reality for what it is.
"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to.
He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant total amazement."-John Patrick Shanley
I've noticed that I go out of my way to seek darkness instead of light. Pain over pleasure. Isolation and not company. These are now unconscious decisions for something that was once conscious. I am purposely going out of my way to avoid people in any sort of way, and I only seek one thing: self destruction. I am pushing myself further and further down the spiral, ensuring that my time here is coming to an end. I am deliberately ruining myself and I refuse to soften for anyone or anything. I refuse to go back to conforming to the norm to feel accepted. I would one million times rather be isolated and sad knowing that I'm staying true to who I am than fake who I am to be accepted by the plebeians that live here. This world is pure shit. All it has ever done to me is harden my naturally soft soul. This is no place for someone like me. I was never meant to be anything here because I don't belong here in the first place. Sometimes it shocks me when I realize just how truly cold and hard I've become. I am living in a shell. I am practically dead already.
Every day that I'm surrounded by people, I feel an immense amount of pressure to appear normal. To convince the world that I can fit into this game that's been contrived. But really I can't, and I can't keep pretending for the rest of my life. I don't fucking belong here, and I can't continue forcing myself to be a part of a system that I'm not supposed to be a part of. My soul begs and screams at me every day to get out of here, and I can't just ignore that for the rest of my life. I'm not supposed to be here. I feel it deep in my soul and at the core of my bones. This is all wrong and I refuse to push myself through the world's sludge any longer for literally no reason at all other than to keep the people around me satisfied. What kind of life is that? I can't take the fakeness and the lies anymore. My whole life has grown to feel like a lie. I'm living to fit the mold, not for myself. I don't want a career and a life like everybody else. I want something so much more meaningful. Something that words cannot explain. I can't revert back to the basic surface level ways of thinking. I've evolved. And I feel like talking to anyone about this or expressing my frustration will only hurt me in the end. Because when you try to express something that only you can understand, they try to pull you back down to their way of thinking. They think you're crazy. But you're not crazy. You're just aware of something they aren't.
Going to work has become the most hellacious part of my existence. I barely get any sleep, I don't eat much, and I am constantly exhausted. But the worst part is that this is all for nothing! It's not like I want to be a part of this system, I'm just killing time while trying to curate the perfect exit. There is no way this isn't going to happen—on top of my disdain for working and the system, I am disgustingly terrified and repulsed of other human beings. I go into survival mode when I'm around them. I don't dare speak to anyone, ever. Not a single person interests me, and none of them are worth my energy. I don't know what made me think I wanted to start a career in this world, but I have grown to hate it. I hate it with every inch of my being. I don't think there is a way I could ever make this life something I want to live. The world is too fucked, and I have nothing in my life that makes dealing with this shit worth it. Ideally, I just want to drop everything and leave it all behind. Just disappear and go somewhere far, far away and never be seen again. I do not want to exist or be perceived here. I want to erase all traces of my existence. And I'm so fucking terrified for the future of this world.
I am so exhausted by every single aspect of life. I just want relief from this awful existence. This pre-determined life that I have been blindly led through is the most unfulfilling thing I've ever had to do. We are expected to go to school, go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have kids, work more, retire and enjoy life for a few years, then die. That is literally my idea of pure hell. Even if by doing this I can go to the store and buy whatever food I want, clothes I want, literally anything I want to live as comfortably as I can, it doesn't matter because I pay at the price of my own sanity. I would much rather live a raw primitive life and be a little hungry or a little cold but feel fulfilled because I am in touch with myself and nature and the universe, knowing that I am living life the way it was intended to, than continue living life in this contrived way for one more day. But that just isn't realistic. Not in this timeframe, at least. I get NOTHING out of this life. I get NOTHING out of working. All it does is keep allowing me to live this lifestyle that I hate. And I'm convinced there isn't even a lifestyle that exists here that I would want to live. Both my heart and soul are screaming at me to get out of this world and abandon all traces. I am seeking fulfillment above all, and I don't care at what cost anymore. I used to be so afraid of making the wrong decisions, which is part of the reason why I went along with what the system told me to do so I could live a "comfortable life". But now, I don't give a fuck. I'm not scared of anything anymore. I'll risk everything I have for the tiniest shred of fulfillment, that's how much it means to me. The world is already so broken, there is no structure, no fixed way. There is nothing here worth saving. And there is definintely no logic to human behavior.
"You know I'm not dead
I'm just living in my head
Forever waiting
Forever waiting a cruel death."
Yesterday, I had an extremely stressful day at work so I smoked some weed to ease my mind. I began experiencing an extremely elevated state of consciousness, and the thought popped into my head to do a past life regression. I watched Dr. Brian Weiss' past life regression video and followed his directions carefully. After relaxing my entire body, he said to imagine yourself before a beam of light. A very pure, good, and wholesome energy. I began to see this light shift from white to rainbow colors flashing, like an oil spill, all under my closed eyes. I opened my eyes to make sure there were not actual flashing lights in front of my face, and there were not. I was hallucinating. I closed my eyes again and it continued. I imagined myself falling deeper and deeper through the beam of light into my memories. All of my memories. Everything I've ever experienced, I was just passing by viewing it all. Dr. Weiss then said to think of a childhood memory. A lot of different things were going through my head, but the memory that stuck with me was one that happened when I was 10 years old driving in a rental car with my family through the Nevada desert on a road trip. My sister was sitting next to me and we were playing with our webkinz and making videos with our digital cameras. I remember the scenery very clearly. It was a long empty road in the desert with mountains on either side in the distance.
Dr. Weiss then said to go back further, back to when you were in your mother's womb. And somehow, I was able to recall. I remembered being in the womb. I remember hearing my mother laughing. Being surrounded by fluid. Being warm and comfortable and completely content. It was very peaceful. By this point, I had started crying. I couldn't believe this was actually working. But also, I realized I was a baby in the womb, and maybe this is the reason why babies cry a lot. He said to be born, and I was. Instantly I started crying even harder, much like a baby who was really was just born. I remembered being born, the uncomfortableness of it, the abruptness of it, and the instant desire of wanting to go back. Bright lights, cold hands, loud noises. It was so much. The next thing I remember is my parents holding me in our family room. My mom had dark brown hair with bangs and my dad had a beard and mustache with glasses, which are both accurate depictions of how they looked when I was born. They were both smiling at me. I chose these parents. All of this time travelling felt like travelling through a light column at supersonic speed, continuing to go back in time and open doors to the past. By this point I was crying so much that I almost couldn't focus on what Dr. Weiss was saying.
The next thing he said to do was imagine yourself in a hallway with a door at the end of the hallway. Through this door reveals a memory of your past life. He counted back from 10, and I opened the door. I saw a desert at late afternoon/dusk time. The sun was just beginning to set. It looked just like the desert from my childhood memory. I looked down, and I was riding a horse, wearing cowboy boots. I was just trotting through the desert towards the sunset on my horse. I'm all alone. I never saw myself and what I looked like in the face, but I got the idea. I was a cowboy in my past life. Dr. Weiss then said to recall another memory from this life. I instantly remembered getting married. I married a beautiful blonde woman, and we had 2 kids together. Dr. Weiss then said to recall your death from this life. I was able to remember being sick in bed in a little white and blue ranch house. My wife was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to comfort me. I was still crying in real life at this point, but now I could not breathe through my nose at all, much like how it felt to die of sickness from this life. Then, I died peacefully and naturally on that bed. I remember my spirit leaving that body and floating, viewing the scene from above. My wife threw her arms around me and started crying. I didn't want to watch anymore so I, the spirit, looked up towards space and flew back towards the spirit realm. I do not remember anything past this because I no longer had eyes to see out of or a body to use and experience the world through. The only way you can feel things again is if you get another body, which I obviously did.
I don't know why I decided to come back here. I think it may be because I wanted to learn more about existences and the universe, and the only way to do that is have a physical body on this earth where you can learn from experiencing. I accept this life as one of my own because it accurately depicts my soul's urge to live a free life bound by no laws and no people except the ones I love. An odd occurrence between this past life and my current one is that when I was around 10, I had a dream of a cowboy standing in the corner of my basement just staring at me, which stuck with me throughout the rest of my life because I had never felt such a petrifying feeling of fear before, even in a dream. I honestly believe that cowboy was my old body glitching through time. I remember trying to speak to it but I could not make a sound. I also could not move. I was frozen. When I moved back through the light beam back into my current life, I woke up and could not believe what just happened. My eyes were so puffy from crying they were almost swollen shut. I still cannot believe I experienced this. It makes me want to do more guided meditations, and maybe even attempt another past life regression sometime in the future.
It's crazy how you don't realize the little things that are trying to tell you who you really are when you're a child, yet they're always there, waiting for you to discover them when you're older. For example, I've always been the girl that puts a big wall around herself and then gets upset when no one tries to tear it down. And then beyond that wall, I'm stuck in the prison inside my mind driving myself insane. My perception of reality is so skewed, and I remember my dad telling me this all the time when I was a younger. I was always like this, I just never realized. I always thought I would grow out of it, but I never did. I miss my childhood a lot. Everyday felt like an adventure. Now everyday feels like hell. How and when did life take such a turn? One day, you're spending the entire day playing outside getting your hands and feet dirty, and before you know it, you're sitting in an office for 8 hours a day to sustain yourself in this lonely adult world where you're convinced you don't fit in. It's so much easier for children to fit in with each other because there are no laws and no judgement. It's all just fun everyday. Why can't adults learn how to do that? When you're older, you're too self aware. Everything hurts. Every word spoken to me feels like an attack. I can't deal with this world. I can't deal with myself. I genuinely do not want to keep running on the economic treadmill just to keep supporting myself in hell. I'm so tired of this life. So tired of the same routine. So tired of people and the system. Just so....tired. My soul is exhausted and fragile and desperately needs the rest of forever off. I am confident that when I get to the other side, I will finally experience all the love, comfort, joy, and belonging that I've been missing for almost my entire earthly life.
I just want to go, get out, and run far away. I am so uncomfortable here. You know when you enter a room of people who are all socializing and all seem to know each other but for some reason you're there too and all you want to do is step out and run far away because you feel like you're not supposed to be there? That's how I feel every day of my life. I am so lost, hopeless, angry, and rejected. I feel so stupid just existing like this.
"My every day begins
with reminders I've been stranded on this
planet where I've landed
beneath this gray-as-granite sky.
A place I wake up blushing
like I'm ashamed to be alive."
I've been traumatized with a new awareness.
© 1999 - electropsyoptica